Love & Respect

Tonight Chris & I give our "Dating By Faith" talk for the.... sixth(?) time. As I was skimming over my notes, I came across my notes from the Love & Respect class that Chris & I took at our church this past February. This class, along with reading the book For Women Only have been the two of the most helpful things for me in helping us build a solid foundation for our marriage. Here's my notes for anyone who would benefit from them:

Some of what Emerson shared that stood out to me:

 Pink & Blue: “Not wrong, just different.” God has hardwired men & women differently to see the world through pink & blue sunglasses, to hear through pink & blue hearing aids and to speak through pink & blue megaphones.

We live in a “Love Dominant” society where women believe that men need to change become “expressive-responsive” like they are. We’re filtering marriages today through pink alone. We need to begin to filter through the distinctions that God has designed (Gen 1:27 “And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”

Unconditional respect: Just as women need unconditional love, men need unconditional respect (1 Pet.3:1-2)

84% of men feel disrespected during conflicts with their wives

Don’t look on your husband with contempt (2 Sam 6:16-22)

The Crazy Cycle: Why we react negatively to each other

      *Without love… she reacts… without respect… he reacts…& on & on.

Because love is a woman’s “airhose” and respect is a man’s “airhose,” when she feels unloved, she reacts disrespectfully; when he feels disrespected, he reacts unlovingly. And so the cycle continues.

**A way out: learn to say, “that felt unloving; was i coming across as disrespectful?” (or vice versa)

The Energizing Cycle: How we can motivate each other

      *His love…. motivates… her respect...  motivates… his love…& on & on.

The Rewarded Cycle: What to do when your spouse doesn’t respond.

        *His love… regardless of… her respect… regardless of… & on & on.

What is a husband’s love?: (seeing through pink sunglasses)

Closeness: when you are “face to face” (Gen 29:34; Deu 24:5; Sol 3:4; 8:3)

Openness: when you aren’t secretly mad at her (jdg 19:3; jdg 14:7; Mal 2:14,15)

Understanding: when you empathize with her (1 Pe 3:7; 1 Sa 1:8; 25:3)

Peacemaking: when you resolve and reconcile with her (Mat 19:5-6);  Mar 3:25)

Loyalty: when you are completely committed to her (MAl 2 :14; Heb 13:4; Job 31:1)

Esteem: when you treasure her above all else (Eph 5:29; Pro 31:28; 2 Sa 6:16-22)

What is a wife’s respect: (seeing through blue sunglasses)

Conquest: appreciating his desire to work & achieve (Gen 2:15; 3:19; 1co 11:9)

Hierarchy: appreciating his desire to protect & provide (Eph 5:22,23; 1 Ti 5:8; Neh 4:14

Authority: appreciating his desire to be strong & to lead (Gen 3:16; 1 Co 16:13; 1 Ti 2:12, 3:12)

Insight: appreciating his desire to analyze & counsel (1 Ti 2:14; 2 Co 11:3; Pro 12:4; 2 Ti 3:6)

Relationship: appreciating his desire for a shoulder to shoulder friendship (Mal 2:14; Sol 5:1, 16)

Sexualtiy: appreciating his desire for sexual intimacy (Pro 5:19;  1 Co 7:4-5)

What stood out to me about men?

Conquest: I feel you appreciate my pursuits in my field (my desire to work & achieve) when you:

·         tell me thanks for going to work everyday for the family

·         cheer my successes whether in business or in sports

·         ask me to talk about my dreams

“You be that cheerleader that when the whole world walks out on him, you’re there cheering him on.”

Let him dream. Not “really?!?!!!” but “really???”

emphasis not on performance

Hierarchy: I feel you appreciate my position as overseer (my desire to protect and provide and even die for you) when you:

·         say to me “I really do look up to you for feeling responsible for me”

·         tell me that you are deeply touched by the thought that “I’d die for you”

·         praise my commitment to provide, ie: “bring home the bacon”

The male psyche thinks in terms of rankingl Men don’t see being the Head

(ie: protecting &providing) as a right, but a responsibility.

Get in tune with your husband’s heart. In dating, you CHEERED him.

Write him a note:

Thank you for working & providing.

I’m so thankful that you would die for me. With all my respect, the one who still admires you.

 

Authority: I feel you appreciate my power on your behalf (my desire to be strong, to lead and make good decisions) when you:

·         tell me I’m strong as you squeeze my muscle (it’s symbolic)

·         praise my good decisions

·         honor my authority in front of the kids and differ with me in private

Let him lead in decision making.  He’s responsible, but you’re in control?

tips for women in conflict:

women can tend toward: a dark face, sour expression, finger pointing, silent treatment… instead soften your tone & use the word respect.

Insight: I feel you appreciate my perspective & proposals (my desire to analyze & counsel) when you:

• thank  me for my advice and knowledge
• let me fix things and applaud my solution orientation
• tell me up-front you need “an ear” to listen & not a solution

Relationship:  I feel you appreciate my partnership & pastimes (my desire for a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship) when you:

• tell me you like me
• do recreational activities with me, or watch me do them
• encourage alone time for me; this energizes me to re-connect with you later

“Shoulder to shoulder”  (vs. “Face to Face”). that i really love “connecting” with him face to face- not doing anything else, just being together… whereas he prefers having another focus (activity or watching something) and not having to talk). Be quiet sometimes- practice quietness.

Sexuality: I feel you appreciate my passions and pleasures (my desire for sexual intimacy) when you:

• initiate periodically (they love it)
• respond more often
• let me acknowledge my sexual temptations without shaming me or me feeling shamed)                     

“The way you get to a woman’s body is through touching her spirit.

The way you get to a man’s spirit is through touching his body.”

The Rewarded Cycle:  deepens & demonstrates our love and reverence for Christ as we do this “UNTO CHRIST.”

            *   “You did it to Me” principle    (Mat 25:37-40; Mat 25:45)

*  Unconditional respect reveals a wife’s reverence for Christ. She shows her reverence for Christ as she respects her husband (Tit 2:3, 4-5;  Eph 5:21-22, 33; Eph 6:7)

* My response is my responsibility. This reveals who I am. You do not cause me to be the way I am; you reveal the way I am.” (Mar 7:21-23)

When you step on a rose, you do not cause it to smell beautifully; you reveal its inner properties which are fragrant. Likewise, if you stepped on a skunk & it released a pungent odor, you did not cause the odor; you revealed the properties of the skunk.

Currently Reading Heaven By Randy C. Alcorn see related

This world is not our home... or is it?

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth.... I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God.... And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be His people, and God himself will be with them and be their God." (Revelation 21:1-3)

Heaven on earth?

well, i've been reading this book called "Heaven" & it has been really interesting. i'm still processing it, so i'm not totally sure what i think, yet, but i'm trying to just take in & understand exactly what he's saying so i can decide for myself. some of this has been tying together some thoughts & questions i've had for the last couple years and i'm really intrigued. i'm just going to touch on a few things that have stood out to me so far: that i may have an inaccurate, boring & unbiblical view of heaven... that i've been influenced by something called christoplatanism (uh, yeah )... that we should imagine heaven, but that our imagination should be fueled with scripture... and that eventually what will happen is that God will recreate & restore the heavens & the earth "and the dwelling of God will be with men" (rev 21) here.... i've always thought of heaven as some far off celestial realm, but maybe the Lord will return the earth back to what it was like in Eden, in Paradise. for a while i'll read this phrase in the Bible- "the resurrection of the dead"... and i never know what that means... but alcorn says that is the time when God will reunite our spirits with our NEW (& better) resurrected bodies to live in a phyisical place- THE NEW EARTH... and that there will be cities & kingdoms & animals & arts & entertainment & sports & technology & rivers & oceans & that we will be able to eat & drink.... (i'll write more on those subjects later.....) anyway, could it be true that Isaiah & Revelation are talking about God restoring & recreating... the earth?

(part of what prompted me reading this book has been grieving the death of  my friends brett & erik. brett died suddenly last year over in Afghanistan and erik died a few weeks ago from battling brain cancer for a year and a half... honestly, i really had no idea the Bible had so much to say about heaven. maybe you're like me- then we can learn together)

an inaccurate view of heaven- alcorn says that most of us view heaven as an unending church service where we'll all float around as disembodied spirits, but that actually, heaven is a physical place where we will have physical bodies. for example:

"In The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain portrays a similar view of Heaven. The Christian spinster Miss Watson takes a dim view of Huck's fun-loving spirit. According to Huck, 'She went on and told me all about the good place. She said all a body would have to do to go there was go around all day long with a harp and sing forever and ever. So I didn't think much of it.... I asked her if she reckoned Tom Sawyer would go there, and she said, not by a considerable sight. I was glad about that, because I wanted him and me to be together."

christoplatanism- he says that part of why we it is so hard for us to embrace heaven as a physical place where we will have physical bodies (the way Jesus Christ had a resurrected body when he came back to earth) is because we've taken a Christian twist on Platonism, which is similar to dualism:

"Why are we so resistant to the idea that Heaven could be physical? The answer, I believe, is centered in an unbiblical belief that the spirit realm is good and the material world is bad, a view I am calling Christoplatanism.... Plato, the Greek philosopher believed that material things, including the human body and the earth, are evil, while immaterial things such as the soul and Heaven are good.... The Christian church, highly influenced by Platonism through the teachings of Philo (ca. 20 BC-AD 50) and Origen (AD 185-254), among others, came to embrace the "spiritual" view that human spirits are better off without bodies and that Heaven is a disembodied state. They rejected the notion of Heaven as a physical realm and spiritualized or entirely neglected the biblical teaching of resurrected people inhabiting a resurrected Earth. Christoplatanism has had a devastating effect on our ability to understand what Scripture says about Heaven, particularly about the eternal Heaven, the New Earth. A fine Christian man said to me, 'This idea of having bodies and eating food and being in an earthly place... it just sounds so unspiritual.' Without knowing it, he was under the influence of Christoplatanism. If we believe, even subconsciously, that bodies and the earth and material things are unspiritual, even evil, then we will inevitably reject or spiritualize any biblical revelation about our bodily resurrection or the physical characteristics of the New earth."

hmmmm, have i subconsciously been conforming to christoplatanism?  well, if i have, i want to reevaluate my views of heaven & allow them to be shaped by what God has to say in the Bible. well, this is just the start... i'll try to share more about the other subjects as i read them, but this seems to be kind of foundational.... it's kind of a weird thing to be reevaluating views on heaven that i've held my whole life. but then... i don't really have any biblical basis for them- i think it's stuff i've seen in like cartoons & movies :) sooooo..... yeah. that's it..... God will restore the earth.... hmmmm......

"Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth.... But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy. I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more.... They will build houses and dwell in them; they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit.... The wolf and the lamb will feed together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox, but dust will be the serpent's food. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain,' says the Lord" (vv.17, 19, 21, 25)

"The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly, as we wait eagerly our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." (Romans 8:19-23)

Currently Reading Systematic Theology By Wayne Grudem see related

also, i picked up systematic theology after being challenged in a conversation about God chaning His mind... i'm think i'm going to finsih it- grudem is a humble genius & you'd think it'd be heavy reading, but it's actually not. it reads like a devotional. i'm a little over 1/3 way through it & yesterday i was reading about the doctrine of man & our purpose to glorify God.... and the subsequent discovery that that involves enjoying Him. even today, there've been a few moments- some kinda dull & some kinda burdensome, when i've reminded myself that i am free to just enjoy God rather than be apathetic... or anxious. knowing that i'm free to enjoy God makes me feel totally at peace & calm & taken care of....

on a 1 samuel note, i'm tossing around the idea in my head/heart that saul might represent "the new man"/ the christian who is himself saved, but loses his inheritace. it's like, God tells samuel to tell him that he will "be turned into another man" & he does & "receives a new heart"... but after his disobedience, his position of rulership is taken away. any thoughts?

anybody know why i love this painting?